When a little bit is too much

Today I cracked...

All the stress and all the bad feelings i've been keeping deep inside since... well since too long, finally found their way out...
My closet door was the trigger. Can you believe it? The closet door. Just because I found out one of them was out of it's rail (they're sliding doors and it's a real pain when they come out of their rails) I got as angry as I promised myself I would never get again... and I did.

It's ridiculous how one tiny and stupid thing broke me at last... I thought I would never shout or act out of rage again, and tonight I did, I slammed the freaking door so hard I thought it would fall down, and I started screaming like a crazy person... I did exactly what I used to do, a long time ago. I did exactly what I said I would never do, ever again.

Thankfully I closed my mouth before something awful came out of it at the first person that got in my way: my mom. And no, I don't mean bad words or cursing or anything like that, but something much worse: the truth. My closet opened up my eyes.

I've been trying to figure out what's the reason for my complete and escalating hate towards my "home" nowadays, and this rage episode showed me exactly what the problem is. My "home" isn't working, and it seems like I'm the only one willing to fix it, or at least try to.

It's so complicating and so deep than I think I'm the only one capable of understanding it, I guess that's what makes me feel helpless because, no matter whom I try to explain this to, will never really get it. If you don't get it, than you should be really happy, for not feeling like I do.

Like I said in a previous post, it's about trying... trying to bond with the rest of the family, actually, trying to re-bond (fortunately, once we did although it didn't last long enough), it's about trying to let the other one know that you do care, that you do love him/her, and that you will support him/her at least morally if you don't have the resources to do it any other way. It's about being a family and worrying about the other person's well being and happiness.

Ironically, today I was just thinking I should try to stablish a new relationship with my brother, a healthy one, based not only on blood but on friendship... I guess all that has happened tonight is probably a sign telling me: "Yeah, you should start somewhere"... ... ... .... I will.

B.

It can't be that hard

Washing the dishes, picking up the mess the cat left behind, changing the toilet paper roll when it's empty... is it that hard? Does it take that much of an effort?
I guess it ends up being a natural thing to do when you care... right? And it's not even about keeping everything perfect and neat, it's about trying to show that they still care about the house where they live and about the people they live with...

I did care, or do care, I don't know which one is it but either way, what's the point? Showing them how  I'd like things to be make absolutely no difference at all, everything stays the same day after day and I'm tired, sick and tired of this game. I said I was going to be positive, and optimistic, and if they don't make the first move to improve our relationships with each other, I was going to be the better person and start doing it... but now I wonder: for what? What's the point on trying if they don't give anything in return. This type of relationship cannot work one-way, is bi-directional, but they both seem to overlook it and carry on as nothing has change... and that is the problem... EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED! And I don't understand why nobody else but me can realize it...

It's so sad to feel like a foreigner in your own home... I feel sad and lonely all the time now, and I feel I just have to stay out of my house for as much as I can, which actually makes it even worse when I come back... I guess I get sort of numb when I spend to much time in here, I tend not to leave my bedroom and keep everything perfect in it so I feel like it's like that in the rest of the house... sad, isn't? Well, It's the best I can do, since I can't seem to bring out the old me, the one who spoke out her mind and ended up saying so many other things that should have never left my mouth... she would be so useful right now, but I decided to lock her up a long time ago, just to make everybody around me a favor and stop hurting them.... kinda ironic, since now they're hurting me without knowing it because I can't let them know... I can't unleash the truth-spilling monster again.

I feel defeated, I feel lonely and defeated in my own home, house actually, I can't call it a home anymore... I feel miserable locked up in my bedroom, looking around and knowing that I have nothing else out there, that there's no one I want to open that door to... my own family is not worth it anymore... if it were, they wouldn't be letting me feel like this. And if you're wondering, no, I haven't talked to them... last time I tried opening up to either of them It didn't do anything but make them laugh at me, or at least feel sorry for me thinking I was overreacting...

Funny thing, today I realized why I feel how I feel when I go to my bf's house, why I feel so sad, so jealous and even angry sometimes... because he has what I always thought my family was supposed to be like: loving, caring (although a bit less obsessive), supportive, interested on what you do and what you want to do and how they can help you achieve it... and of course, not perfect at all, but still, a real family. And in no way I'm implying I don't like my family, I loved it... when it was actually one...  now it's just a bunch of crumbles, spreading further and further apart with each passing day, and sometimes the crumbs come together for a short period of time, but only long enough to remind me that's not the reality.

I know I said it is going to be devastating to leave my family behind when I move out of the country, but sadly they seem to be starting the whole hard process early, and when the time comes, just a stupid goodbye will get it over with...

Take care.

B

I need to get OUT of here

This is exactly why I don't like to think about stuff I want to do in the future, or places that I want to visit, every time I end up day dreaming about it so strongly that I forget where I am or what I have (or lack) at the moment... and when I wake up, I hate everything around me...

I know it's stupid and very childish to act this way but I can't help it, and once I start I can't stop. What am I supposed to do now? 

I guess I should be positive and optimistic and think I will get there eventually, or have what I want anytime soon... but HOW soon? I'm not pacient.

Unfortunately, all this came up because I took the initiative. I'm planning to take a trip with my boyfriend, and he has rejected and gave up so many things to do it that I felt really guilty for not showing him how much I appreciated what he was doing that I started research on flights, hotels, food, money saving deals, etc on my own... big mistake. I found myself wishing so badly I was there already that now, in spite of knowing my bf is happy with what I did, I feel miserable. It's pathetic to wish you were somewhere else when everything you have in your life is right here where you are now. Sadly, all those things don't seem to be a part of anything anymore.

I know I've wrote about this already, or at least I know I thought about it not too long ago, but I feel like I'm living with strangers, and that I don't longer have a real family, just people living together because they have no place else to go... it's devastating... My relationship with my mother is so weird right now, she doesn't pay attention to me or anything else that goes on in my life more than 1 or 2 days a month... what the hell?... and my brother... he's just this person that only talks to me when he's bored and wants someone to annoy (well... maybe this is normal, idk). It's so frustrating and heartbreaking to live like this, thinking that what kept it all together for such a long time is the same thing that tore it apart: my dad. And no, I can't deal with that right now, I just can't.

I honestly don't know what to think right now, what can I do? I don't want to be here, I need to get out, go away... and I don't have any place to go, and even if i did, I would find myself crying because of what I left behind... I hate this...

I read a quote not long ago, and it's been on my mind ever since: "I cry not because I'm weak, but because I've been strong for too long"... I couldn't agree more... 

I need something, I need to find a way to keep moving forward, I'm stuck right now, stuck between what I have and what I want, but I can't seem to find the way to move forward, I keep trying to be positive but then I start living an illusion that keeps me away from the present, and when I look down, reality hits me like never before.

I'm frustrated, I'm sad, I'm wasting my time and I can't help it. I feel so pathetic. I hate this.

B.

Give me a break

The day is just starting and i´m already having a crappy one... it looks like everything is gonna suck for the rest of the day and the thought of it makes me mad already... Even more, this morning when i was leaving my house, i remembered i have to find something, ANYTHING to do starting from a week from now or i´ll go crazy and cranky for every minute spent in there... I cannot stand it, it´s a pig`s pen, everything´s a freaking disaster and dirty and scatter everywhere... it´s an abandoned house, and the sad part is that there are 2 more persons living there that just don´t give a s**... And no, i'm probably not making any sense right now but it`s ok... it`s not an informative post, is just another mind-purge post... i hate this... i hate this freaking roller coaster... i need to stop thinking, i just want to relax and be happy.... isn´t that what we all want??

I'm at work right now, but my boss hasn't arrived yet and i'm just sitting here wasting my time, cool huh? bah... free time lets my mind wonder around, and when it does that, all the problems come back.... and no, they're not a product of my imagination, they're very real, i just try not to think about them throught the day but when i'm busy... but i'm not busy right now.

I'm tired, sick and tired of crappy days like this, i need my good days back, i used to have them but not anymore... i need help i guess or hope or something that makes all this worthwhile.... 

I'm sorry, i know you have problems too and they're probably more important than mine but, i'm just having a bad bad bad day... and it hasn't even started yet... great

See ya.

Speaking of fashion

Hello again my loves!

I'm very excited to tell you that i've made some changes in my overall appearance, including wardrobe, and that i'm very very happy with them!
First, and most important, I've got STRAIGHT HAIR! ...yes, my hair was curly (Curly: annoying frizz ball), i just realized i never told you but hey, now you now! And yes, it is now permanently straight trough the amazing Japanese Bioinic Straightening treatment! If you want some info, review or anything about it, let me know :).
Let me tell you guys, i really liked my curly hair when it behaved (about once a month) but straight hair is the easiest thing in the world! Now i only have to apply products because i want it to smell good, not because i'm trying to tame it! It's unbelievable, it really is... <3.

Apart from the hair, the other big and recent change has been in my wardrobe. I have gone waaaaaaaaaaaay out of my comfort zone and i have bought SHORTS.... again, i never told you how self conscious i am of my legs, which i'll never stop but whatever,  but yeah, i was (am) and i bought two pairs of shorts!! Lace and jeans, and i'm in loooooooooooove with them, i can't wait to wear them :D.

Here's how they look like:

Jeans (obviously)

Lace

And i regret admitting i have stopped doing yoga and i started eating like a bear about to hibernate but my job wears me out soooooooooooo bad, i'm just hungry and tired all the time, BUT i found the way to keep my weight like it should and started looking at portions. Portions portions portions! I eat chips if i want, but just a bit, i eat brownie if i want but half the square thingy, not all of it, AND i'm reducing sodas to once a day max! (Hurraaaay :D). The hardest part is to start with the exercise again cause i leave waaaay too early to avoid traffic and i come back home late and too tired so, i'm still trying to figure out what to do with that... anyways, those are my fashion/beauty related updates. Stay tuned for more xD.

Love,
B

A lot going on...

Ok, so as the title says, i've got a lot going on... A LOT... anyways, this post isn't meant to melt down like the last one (sorry for that by the way), it's meant to be a valve to release some steam and clear up my head a little bit... so it will probably be a long post.

First of all, I'm officially graduating in about a month, everything's done, my thesis got accepted  by the jury, no more classes, done, done done! Sadly, i can't seem to be thrilled about it like i should, don't get me wrong, i'm happy and very proud of myself for working so hard to get where i am today but... i should be happier than this. I guess it bugs me that i have NO IDEA what i'm going to do next... fyi, i used to, about 3 months ago i knew what i wanted, not anymore... I'm scared, i really am. I thought i had everything under control, everything planned, everything worked out, but i guess not... i don't want now what i used to want, is that simple.
I figured i struggled too much with the stuff i was working on, and not the kind of struggle that represents a challenge, but the kind that makes it not worth the effort, cause in the end, since you are a nobody, nobody cares, nobody acknowledges your dedication, your independence and your final result... It sucks... and it's because of this development of events that happened during this last months that i changed my mind... completely. I'm glad that i ventured myself in this beautiful and incredible carrier but right now, i don't want to know about it anymore.

What makes me sad is that i would hate to lose all the knowledge i've gain for the last 6 years just because i don't apply them at work, but i feel like i need "space", you know what i mean? I need to miss it, and i need to feel that i actually do love studying it before throwing myself to the wolfs trying to get an MSc. This might not make sense to any of you, but it does to me, it's complicated... if it were simple, i wouldn't be doubting.

So, the question is: What now?? Get a job, of course, marry my boyfriend and move to another country. The last 2 are the easiest, no second thoughts there, but... what the hell am i gonna do for a living if i don't want to work as an investigator?? well, let me tell you something: not knowing and trying to figure out my real passion is what's keeping from getting depressed! I've had around 5 different business ideas for the last couple of months and i get more and more excited about them every time i think about it! I want to paint, i want to build furniture, i want to make accessories, i want to decorate, i want to do what i've always love to do: ART!! ...by my definition (lol). I'm thrilled to think about decorating kids rooms, living rooms, bedrooms, everything! I'm ecstatic about having my own accessories brand (which i already started but got on hold) and my own store to sell it.

Oh my God, i'm getting even more excited just by telling you guys!! I know it's all crazy and weird and too unrealistic but THIS is what i want to do right now, THIS is what i need to do, THIS is my challenge... the good kind!! So this is it, I'm going to do it, i'm gonna work my ass off for this... after all... who's gonna stop me?

Ok, i need to make a break here cause writing all this down i just realized the freaking weight that just left off my shoulders... i guess i needed to analyze it like this...huh...

Well well, currently i have a job, which i don't think i mentioned in an earlier post but oh well, i might right a new one later on explaining how AMAZING it is (sadly is temporary, that's why i need a new one... and the fact that i want to change time zones lol). The job is going great so no steam release there, my boyfriend is more supportive and wonderful than ever and my family uhm... i don't want to get into that... ups and downs as always...

Anyways, i just needed to write, and so i did, and now i feel so so much better... and i mean it, wow...

Oh yeah, one last thing! Check out my next posts to read about some stuff i'm doing for myself and my wardrobe so i don't get frustrated every time i need to pick an outfit lol.

Love,
B

Close to midnight ramble

Hey guys, this post is just gonna be me rambling about everything that's bothering me right now and stuff that i just need to get out of my head. It's gonna be pretty boring so, don't read on if you don't want to.

I'm tired, i'm physically and mentally tired... I already finished everything at college, but i still need to worry about stupid deadlines that keep getting in the way of my job schedulr! And the worst part is that I'M the one they see as irresponsable when i have to ask for a second fricking day off to complete what i tried to do the first time, but, as ALWAYS, it can't be done when u plan it... Ugh, i hate this...
In the mean time, when i want to take my mind off all the problems, running around, and everything else, i can't. Why? Because coming home is not a relief (and i thought this stage was over for good), it's a pain in the a$&@$!! Everything's a mess, everything is dirty, the dishes are filthy, the cat peed all over and the other 2 members of the household are laying back, watching tv or just doing nothing! It's a freaking dump and they don't even care!!!! Why the hell do i have to be the mom around here???? I'm 23 years old for Christ's sake!! I spend all day long studying (well, not anymore) or working!!! I can't come home tired as always, with a backpain that's killing me right now, to go ahead and do the dishes!! Specially when one of the other 2 members spent all day here!!! Doing NOTHING! It's completely exasperating! I want to scream so bad... And yet i don't... I just can't wtand up for myself and tell them how i feel... I can't do that anymore and it's frustating... I don't know what happened to me... Oh and of course, if that's not enough, i have a huge pressure on to find a new job, preferably out of my native country/.. But that involves sooooo much planning and thinking and research and sacrifice... I just wish it could happen easier, smoothly and without having to drain what's left of my daily energy to make it happen... I just want to leave, i don't want to think about whT that incolves... And yes, i know, everyone has problems, probably bigger or more important than mine, but come on... That doesn't mean that i don't think mines are a big deal to ME.
Anyways, i think i can sleep now... Even though tomorrow those thoughts are gonna hunt me from the moment i wake up until i start keeping them in mind again... I hate those thoughts, they don't understand how i need to mentally rest from hem for.a few hours or even a whole day, just to recover.. No, i don't know what i'm saying anymore... Oh, right, i forgot one of the biggest problems... THE F@$&@$ GREASE BALL!!!!! but i think that will be a new different topic... It goes a long way back and i'm talking randomly right now so yeah... Good night, see you soon and thanks for listening :)