Just letting it out...

So, it's been a while since I've written on here and it has been very complicated this past couple of months... just a freaking emotional roller coaster with waaaay more downs than ups. University pressure and family issues are driving me crazy (of course i don't think i'm the only one in this situation, and that's why I want to let those people know how I'm trying to handle it in order to help them too), everyday something new comes up and it adds up to the craziness. Basically the problem is that I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do after I graduate, last year I had so many plans, everything programmed and now POOF! it's all gone...

NOTE: you don't have to keep reading if you don't want to, i'll write my way to handle the situation and some advices in another post... i just needed to say all this stuff out loud...

I planned on leaving my country to Canada and start my PhD there, of course, in order to do that I had to decide what i wanted to major in, learn French (cause i planned on immigrating to Quebec), get a job here to make money to leave, take my boyfriend with me and probably marry him before departure, finish my thesis on time to start applying for universities there and opt for a scholarship and so on... but from a few months from now everything just feels like it's crumbling right there in front of me, and there's nothing i can do to keep the pieces toghether...

The thesis: i'm actually hating it right now cause i just don't like it anymore as i did in a beginning, i don't want to do this the rest of my life and i'm just not motivated at all to keep doing it (but i have to if i want to graduate). Additionally, lately i'm feeling super depressed about the people i work with, it's like they're always looking over my shoulder to see what i'm doing, where i mess up to nag me and trying to "give me advice" that actually turns out to be pretty rude comments or just the same nagging with a different tone... UGGH! I'm sorry but i really hate it, i hate that they still treat me like the new girl when i already have like a year working there...

The language: now this part started to annoy me since this last couple of months... and i don't know why but seems like my brain just can't retain any more information! I'm taught a new lesson one day and the next day i just can't remember! It drives me crazy, i'm so frustrated with this cause right now i'm not even enjoying learning french, i feel like it's just an obligation to be able to live where i want to live and it's not recreational or just because i WANT to learn!! And, certainly, there's the comparison factor... i can't help comparing myself with others and it pisses me off when other students brag about what they find helpful online (like videos and articles and stuff) when if i wanted to i could find them too, BUT I HAVE NOOOO TIME!!! and it sucks cause, from the teacher's point of view, it doesn't matter how much free time you have, it only matters whether you do the homework and do extra stuff like that.

The job: i should probably have named this "what job?" cause that would make more sense.... I don't have a job!! And i don't have time to work in it!!! I have to do all sort of experiments and stuff for, yeah you guessed it, my thesis over the summer and there's no way anybody is gonna hire me if i tell them: "uhm yeah so i can only work on like 2 days a week for 4 hours cause i need to work on my projects...", so what the hell am i supposed to do?? And i desperately neeeeeeeed money!!!

The PhD: now this is a complicated part, and i'm just gonna say I don't know what i want to do, in fact, I'm not even sure i want to keep on with the same career I'm studying right now... yeah... rough hit... and I just figured this out like a month ago (i have almost six years studying the same thing)

So, maybe you have bigger problems than mine (i really hope you don't, i hope you have an awesome life i really do :)), but this are my biggest problems right now and I don't know what to do, i don't even know how to feel about all this... sometimes i just want to give up and just don't leave and have a happy mediocre life in a crappy country like mine... but if i do stay, i can't stay home... cause that's another thing that keeps poking me everyday in the back of the head... my family, no matter how much pain it brings me to say this, it's falling apart, the house is falling apart, the communication is falling apart, and i just spend all the time i am around locked up in my room to stay away from all the negative stuff going around me... bad words and two 16 year old kids (one of them being my mom btw... since she's with that f** bf of hers i don't recognize her anymore) is all I see... it tares me apart to watch this kind of behavior constantly and lately I've chosen to act like the mom of BOTH of them, but honestly I'm crying inside when i have to order my almost 18 year old brother and my own mother to do things around the house... i shouldn't have to do that...    .....

And maybe you're wondering about the marriage part, the one i wrote a while ago... well, let me tell you that marrying my boyfriend it's probably the only thing that keeps me from crumbling completely... and whether I'm actually scared of going on with it because we are still young (around 25years old each) and it's never gonna be the same as dating, I can't be more sure about wanting to do anything else in my life right now... he's the love of my life, and he has been since 6 years ago.

Now i just want to thank you... thank you for reading this huge post when I don't even know you and you don't know me, thank you for supporting me just by "reading" me, and please, don't go without leaving a comment, just say whatever you want, even if it's an insult to tell me i'm being stupid, anything... and honestly, thank you again for reading and standing my randomness...

Love,

*B. Doe*