This is exactly why I don't like to think about stuff I want to do in the future, or places that I want to visit, every time I end up day dreaming about it so strongly that I forget where I am or what I have (or lack) at the moment... and when I wake up, I hate everything around me...
I know it's stupid and very childish to act this way but I can't help it, and once I start I can't stop. What am I supposed to do now?
I guess I should be positive and optimistic and think I will get there eventually, or have what I want anytime soon... but HOW soon? I'm not pacient.
Unfortunately, all this came up because I took the initiative. I'm planning to take a trip with my boyfriend, and he has rejected and gave up so many things to do it that I felt really guilty for not showing him how much I appreciated what he was doing that I started research on flights, hotels, food, money saving deals, etc on my own... big mistake. I found myself wishing so badly I was there already that now, in spite of knowing my bf is happy with what I did, I feel miserable. It's pathetic to wish you were somewhere else when everything you have in your life is right here where you are now. Sadly, all those things don't seem to be a part of anything anymore.
I know I've wrote about this already, or at least I know I thought about it not too long ago, but I feel like I'm living with strangers, and that I don't longer have a real family, just people living together because they have no place else to go... it's devastating... My relationship with my mother is so weird right now, she doesn't pay attention to me or anything else that goes on in my life more than 1 or 2 days a month... what the hell?... and my brother... he's just this person that only talks to me when he's bored and wants someone to annoy (well... maybe this is normal, idk). It's so frustrating and heartbreaking to live like this, thinking that what kept it all together for such a long time is the same thing that tore it apart: my dad. And no, I can't deal with that right now, I just can't.
I honestly don't know what to think right now, what can I do? I don't want to be here, I need to get out, go away... and I don't have any place to go, and even if i did, I would find myself crying because of what I left behind... I hate this...
I read a quote not long ago, and it's been on my mind ever since: "I cry not because I'm weak, but because I've been strong for too long"... I couldn't agree more...
I need something, I need to find a way to keep moving forward, I'm stuck right now, stuck between what I have and what I want, but I can't seem to find the way to move forward, I keep trying to be positive but then I start living an illusion that keeps me away from the present, and when I look down, reality hits me like never before.
I'm frustrated, I'm sad, I'm wasting my time and I can't help it. I feel so pathetic. I hate this.
B.
