Washing the dishes, picking up the mess the cat left behind, changing the toilet paper roll when it's empty... is it that hard? Does it take that much of an effort?
I guess it ends up being a natural thing to do when you care... right? And it's not even about keeping everything perfect and neat, it's about trying to show that they still care about the house where they live and about the people they live with...
I did care, or do care, I don't know which one is it but either way, what's the point? Showing them how I'd like things to be make absolutely no difference at all, everything stays the same day after day and I'm tired, sick and tired of this game. I said I was going to be positive, and optimistic, and if they don't make the first move to improve our relationships with each other, I was going to be the better person and start doing it... but now I wonder: for what? What's the point on trying if they don't give anything in return. This type of relationship cannot work one-way, is bi-directional, but they both seem to overlook it and carry on as nothing has change... and that is the problem... EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED! And I don't understand why nobody else but me can realize it...
It's so sad to feel like a foreigner in your own home... I feel sad and lonely all the time now, and I feel I just have to stay out of my house for as much as I can, which actually makes it even worse when I come back... I guess I get sort of numb when I spend to much time in here, I tend not to leave my bedroom and keep everything perfect in it so I feel like it's like that in the rest of the house... sad, isn't? Well, It's the best I can do, since I can't seem to bring out the old me, the one who spoke out her mind and ended up saying so many other things that should have never left my mouth... she would be so useful right now, but I decided to lock her up a long time ago, just to make everybody around me a favor and stop hurting them.... kinda ironic, since now they're hurting me without knowing it because I can't let them know... I can't unleash the truth-spilling monster again.
I feel defeated, I feel lonely and defeated in my own home, house actually, I can't call it a home anymore... I feel miserable locked up in my bedroom, looking around and knowing that I have nothing else out there, that there's no one I want to open that door to... my own family is not worth it anymore... if it were, they wouldn't be letting me feel like this. And if you're wondering, no, I haven't talked to them... last time I tried opening up to either of them It didn't do anything but make them laugh at me, or at least feel sorry for me thinking I was overreacting...
Funny thing, today I realized why I feel how I feel when I go to my bf's house, why I feel so sad, so jealous and even angry sometimes... because he has what I always thought my family was supposed to be like: loving, caring (although a bit less obsessive), supportive, interested on what you do and what you want to do and how they can help you achieve it... and of course, not perfect at all, but still, a real family. And in no way I'm implying I don't like my family, I loved it... when it was actually one... now it's just a bunch of crumbles, spreading further and further apart with each passing day, and sometimes the crumbs come together for a short period of time, but only long enough to remind me that's not the reality.
I know I said it is going to be devastating to leave my family behind when I move out of the country, but sadly they seem to be starting the whole hard process early, and when the time comes, just a stupid goodbye will get it over with...
Take care.
B
