When a little bit is too much

Today I cracked...

All the stress and all the bad feelings i've been keeping deep inside since... well since too long, finally found their way out...
My closet door was the trigger. Can you believe it? The closet door. Just because I found out one of them was out of it's rail (they're sliding doors and it's a real pain when they come out of their rails) I got as angry as I promised myself I would never get again... and I did.

It's ridiculous how one tiny and stupid thing broke me at last... I thought I would never shout or act out of rage again, and tonight I did, I slammed the freaking door so hard I thought it would fall down, and I started screaming like a crazy person... I did exactly what I used to do, a long time ago. I did exactly what I said I would never do, ever again.

Thankfully I closed my mouth before something awful came out of it at the first person that got in my way: my mom. And no, I don't mean bad words or cursing or anything like that, but something much worse: the truth. My closet opened up my eyes.

I've been trying to figure out what's the reason for my complete and escalating hate towards my "home" nowadays, and this rage episode showed me exactly what the problem is. My "home" isn't working, and it seems like I'm the only one willing to fix it, or at least try to.

It's so complicating and so deep than I think I'm the only one capable of understanding it, I guess that's what makes me feel helpless because, no matter whom I try to explain this to, will never really get it. If you don't get it, than you should be really happy, for not feeling like I do.

Like I said in a previous post, it's about trying... trying to bond with the rest of the family, actually, trying to re-bond (fortunately, once we did although it didn't last long enough), it's about trying to let the other one know that you do care, that you do love him/her, and that you will support him/her at least morally if you don't have the resources to do it any other way. It's about being a family and worrying about the other person's well being and happiness.

Ironically, today I was just thinking I should try to stablish a new relationship with my brother, a healthy one, based not only on blood but on friendship... I guess all that has happened tonight is probably a sign telling me: "Yeah, you should start somewhere"... ... ... .... I will.

B.