A lot going on...

Ok, so as the title says, i've got a lot going on... A LOT... anyways, this post isn't meant to melt down like the last one (sorry for that by the way), it's meant to be a valve to release some steam and clear up my head a little bit... so it will probably be a long post.

First of all, I'm officially graduating in about a month, everything's done, my thesis got accepted  by the jury, no more classes, done, done done! Sadly, i can't seem to be thrilled about it like i should, don't get me wrong, i'm happy and very proud of myself for working so hard to get where i am today but... i should be happier than this. I guess it bugs me that i have NO IDEA what i'm going to do next... fyi, i used to, about 3 months ago i knew what i wanted, not anymore... I'm scared, i really am. I thought i had everything under control, everything planned, everything worked out, but i guess not... i don't want now what i used to want, is that simple.
I figured i struggled too much with the stuff i was working on, and not the kind of struggle that represents a challenge, but the kind that makes it not worth the effort, cause in the end, since you are a nobody, nobody cares, nobody acknowledges your dedication, your independence and your final result... It sucks... and it's because of this development of events that happened during this last months that i changed my mind... completely. I'm glad that i ventured myself in this beautiful and incredible carrier but right now, i don't want to know about it anymore.

What makes me sad is that i would hate to lose all the knowledge i've gain for the last 6 years just because i don't apply them at work, but i feel like i need "space", you know what i mean? I need to miss it, and i need to feel that i actually do love studying it before throwing myself to the wolfs trying to get an MSc. This might not make sense to any of you, but it does to me, it's complicated... if it were simple, i wouldn't be doubting.

So, the question is: What now?? Get a job, of course, marry my boyfriend and move to another country. The last 2 are the easiest, no second thoughts there, but... what the hell am i gonna do for a living if i don't want to work as an investigator?? well, let me tell you something: not knowing and trying to figure out my real passion is what's keeping from getting depressed! I've had around 5 different business ideas for the last couple of months and i get more and more excited about them every time i think about it! I want to paint, i want to build furniture, i want to make accessories, i want to decorate, i want to do what i've always love to do: ART!! ...by my definition (lol). I'm thrilled to think about decorating kids rooms, living rooms, bedrooms, everything! I'm ecstatic about having my own accessories brand (which i already started but got on hold) and my own store to sell it.

Oh my God, i'm getting even more excited just by telling you guys!! I know it's all crazy and weird and too unrealistic but THIS is what i want to do right now, THIS is what i need to do, THIS is my challenge... the good kind!! So this is it, I'm going to do it, i'm gonna work my ass off for this... after all... who's gonna stop me?

Ok, i need to make a break here cause writing all this down i just realized the freaking weight that just left off my shoulders... i guess i needed to analyze it like this...huh...

Well well, currently i have a job, which i don't think i mentioned in an earlier post but oh well, i might right a new one later on explaining how AMAZING it is (sadly is temporary, that's why i need a new one... and the fact that i want to change time zones lol). The job is going great so no steam release there, my boyfriend is more supportive and wonderful than ever and my family uhm... i don't want to get into that... ups and downs as always...

Anyways, i just needed to write, and so i did, and now i feel so so much better... and i mean it, wow...

Oh yeah, one last thing! Check out my next posts to read about some stuff i'm doing for myself and my wardrobe so i don't get frustrated every time i need to pick an outfit lol.

Love,
B